Toilets

Yes, this may seem like a strange topic for ones blog. However, I have many memorable lavatory incidences, it would be a shame not to share them.

The bathroom is not designated much space in Korea. I have learnt to become fairly flexible in getting in and out of loos. My legs are too long for the smaller cubicles and I have become quite inventive with handling the call of nature. This however, is not something that I intend on discussing in general. I am not a fan of toilet humour and will limit it accordingly. This sounds contradictory, but I will try!

Korean plumbing is not made to handle anything other than the necessary. This I did not know. So, one fine day I notice that my toilet is broken. Wonderful. I am going to have to get a plumber. I am going to have to battle my way through the korean/english barrier and have someone tell me how to use a toilet. I start to prepare for the most embarrasing day of my life. But first, let me try flush again. Bad idea. Its blocked. I am just about to call my boss and explain my dilema, when I look at my watch and realise that I only have a few hours before I need to go out.
So, I put on my runnning shoes and sprint down to the supermarket and look for one of those things that I've only ever seen in the movies. A plunger. Only one left. Phew. Now to take it home discretely. I buy some food to make it look more natural, but it really does stick out. The check out lady gives me a knowing smile. Is she being friendly or judgemental? Or both?!?! Eek!

A plunger does not fit under your jacket. It does not fit in a shopping bag. It cannot be hidden. Everyone knows what it is for. As it is, in Korea, I stand out. The plunger added to this effect. Lovely. I race home and try immitate what I've seen on TV and it worked! I can now add plumber to my CV. Also, I can get ready for my night out, not have to be embarrased further by my toilet antics and I now I have a dustbin next to my loo.
Yes, such stories are worthy of Oscar speeches.

Korea is not like Africa where the state of the toilet is always daunting. Instead the more simple the facility, the better. For instance:

Our school dinner was held at a well known franchise, Vips. It's an establishment well known for its great salad bar and top class steaks (something which is laking here.) After a couple of drinks (from the oh-so-cool, self service soda fountain) it was time to excuse myself and find the ladies'. This would not be the only reason for me to be excusing myself.

When it comes down to "business", one function is required. This facillity however, was a heated, multi functional, high tech Korean toilet. Apart from the slightly different appearence, your attention is grabbed by the heat illuminating from the seat. Strange. During the actual business, I was nervous. My philosophy is not to mix electrics and water, and here I was, doing just that! Was the toilet plugged in? Was the bathroom temperature really high or was the previous occupant...no, don't think along those lines, Claire!

I then had to work out how to flush the spaceship. I had to stand up and work out which of the 6 buttons did that. This toilet was Korean. Korean charaters adorned the various buttons. Being the forwad thinking person that I am, I look upon the actual tank for the flush handle/button or potential voice activated panel. I wasn't entirely sure what to look for. Nothing there. Okay, lets look at the button panel again.

I need...water.

The blue button with the picture of water droplets seemed an obvious choice. As I pressed it, I realised that I had made a mistake. A plastic tube rose up and started to spray small droplets in a fountain like manner. Crap. After being sprayed, I jump out the way and slam the toilet seat closed. Seemingly this is the bidet function.

While I was shaking the excess water off my shirt and thinking of plan B, the water started to overflow from under teh toilet seat. Now I was trying to avoid standing in the growing puddle on the floor. This is harder than it may seem, as although this was a decent establishment (with space age toilets) its still Asia and therefore teh cubicle was small. Not much space was available to hide. This was further hindered by the growing pool at my feet. Clearly pressing the button twice did not switch the fountain off.

It did eventually stop, I was able to calm down to a mild panic. The mutterings outside the door however, grew. Great. By now there was lots of water on the floor and clearly loads of water was in the bowl too, as nothing else was there. And so, I emerge. Relieved.

Typically there was a queue. I recieved a few stares (it did look like I had been swimming in there) and as I step up to wash my hands, the first in line takes a quick look inside my former cubicle and decides to wait for the next available loo. I run fairly quickly from the bathroom and dash back to my table, hoping to blend in. But since I was the only blond in the restuarant of 99% asian people, there was no hiding.

Worse of all: I still dont know how to flush a Hi-tech Korean toilet.